I never stop crying. I can understand why you might think this isn’t true. After all, my cheeks are dry right now. But, believe me, I never stop crying, whether it’s external or suppressed enough to be internal. I have found depression can be like that. No matter what is happening — good or bad — the tears are always there. The depression is always there. It’s bigger than me. it’s stronger than me. And make no mistake; it is also trying to kill me. The omnipresent tears are merely a warning sign.
I Can Cry at the Drop of an Eyelash
When I was about 10 years old, I discovered I could make myself cry. I would just look at myself in the mirror, and moments later, I’d be crying. I thought I should be an actress. I figured that was what they did. Little did I consider that it wasn’t really normal for a 10-year-old to cry spontaneously. I wish someone had been there to tell me that there should be other things behind the eyes of a child besides tears.
When I Cry, I Never Stop; That’s Why I Shouldn’t Start
I’ve said that the concept of “crying it out” doesn’t work for me. If I start to cry, if I start to consider why I’m said, if I start to really feel it, I just never stop. It’s at this point that the external crying is at its worst. It’s at this point that others can see just how miserable I am. And that’s the word: “miserable.” It’s beyond sadness and not temporary. This is why I try not to start physically crying. I just feel worse when I do it. It’s like wallowing. I don’t like to wallow.
I Never Stop Crying Because of Depression
As I said, though, even when the saline isn’t flowing from my eyes, I’m still crying. I’m crying on the inside. I’m crying behind my eyes. I’m crying inside my soul. It’s silent to others, I know, but it’s a scream inside my head. And this scream just never goes away. It’s depression; it lives there.
What to Do If You Never Stop Crying
There are two things to consider when you never stop crying.
- How can you stop crying, at least physically?
- How can you stop the crying, inside and outside, for good?
Stop Crying Physically
For me, often, the best I can do is to stop crying physically, and that is a choice. It’s a choice to say “stop,” stop my train of thought, and then switch my thought to something safe. It’s an exercise in thought-stopping and thought-switching. These are coping skills I have learned over time. It can take practice to perfect these skills, but believe me, they work. I might still feel like absolute hell when the external tears cease, but at least I’ve turned the corner to something else.
Stop Crying Inside
This is trickier. If you’re always miserable, if you’re always crying, what could possibly alter that? My answer is Natasha’s First Law:
A Natasha in depression tends to stay in depression unless acted upon by an outside medication.
— Natasha Tracy
In other words, when I am deep inside a depression where the crying never stops, the only thing that helps me is medication. You may find other things that work for you, but I have found that no other positive lifestyle change in the world can help when things are that bad.
I Will Never Stop Crying?
And to be honest, I can stay in a place where the crying never stops for years. That’s how long it can take to find a medication that helps. But, make no mistake, medication does help, eventually. So, while it feels like I never stop crying, and while that might be true right now, it won’t always be true. And that’s something to hang onto, even in the midst of misery.
Image by ALiEM.
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