A few months ago I graduated from university and started my first full-time job. It’s a really good position to have at my age in an industry I really want to be in, and my co-workers are very polite. On the flip side, I’m a good 20 years younger than almost everyone around me, and the few people in their late 20s are pretty uninterested in me.
I have always struggled with making friends, and mostly focused on my academic work to fill the void. Now I find myself being both the least knowledgable, and socially awkward to boot. I have no friends in my office, and barely have time to see the few I have from university. I feel like my loneliness is eating me alive and every day it gets worse.
Furthermore, even though I’m thrilled to have a foot in the door in this industry, the values of the company I work for often clash with mine, and I struggle to see a future for myself there. I feel no sense of purpose, and I increasingly dislike the person I’m becoming by working there.
I have begun to struggle with depression again and I’m feeling very hopeless. Do you have any advice?
I’m really sorry you are struggling. The adult world can seem very big and scary at first. You didn’t mention home life or if you’ve left home. I do think this stage in life can be very tough, yet it’s painted – repeatedly – as “the time of your life”, which isn’t helpful if you are finding it difficult. Even if you don’t leave home, starting a new job when you’ve been used to 15/16 years of the structure of education is a whole new landscape to navigate.
But if you add into this actually leaving home, learning to look after yourself and handle bills, etc, then it’s a steep hill of getting used to new things. (When I first left home, I cried pretty much for the first six months.)
So well done. It’s not easy to graduate and get a job in the field you want. But that doesn’t mean it has to be, or will be, wonderful all the time. I also think you are astute to realise what may be happening, and brave enough to say it. These are all positives. You may feel hopeless but you are not.
I went to psychotherapist Chris Mills, who describes loneliness as “not being able to connect easily and comfortably with people.” He describes its impact as putting people “in an echo chamber of their own assumptions of themselves and of other people. So there’s a loop of “everyone else has it sorted; nothing I do works; I’m the only one who feels this terrible; no one is interested in me”. Mills reiterated that you are going through an “enormous transition and one that lots of people find difficult.”
I doubt very much you are the only person struggling in your office, and this isn’t meant to minimise how you feel but hopefully let you feel less alone. I promise you, no one is sorted all the time.
It’s very early days. It’s perfectly OK not to feel aligned with the values of the company you work for. That’s an idealistic view. This is your first job, a stepping stone to something else.
But Mills felt you had to “figure out a way to connect to others”. He also felt you’d really find great value in therapy (I had therapy about your age, it changed my life). The important thing is to tell someone you trust how you feel.
Can you start with making some time, either phone calls, texts, face time, with people you do feel comfortable reaching out to? Uni friends (who are probably struggling too)? Are there any social events coming up at work which you could attend?
There’s so much value in mixing with people of different ages. They probably think you’re not interested in them, older people tend to think this of younger people. Also, try not to see every social interaction as a making-friends-immediately moment.
Take it slowly. Friendship is a skill, and it takes work and practise. You say you feel like the least- knowledgable person – that’s OK. If you’ve used knowledge to “fill the void” this can be scary, but it’s also a period of growth. And it’s a great “in” with colleagues if you ask them questions as they can feel good about themselves. I promise this isn’t all of your adult life. There’s more good stuff to come.
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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